First Trailer for 'Planet of the Apps' Released

At the recent Code Media conference, Eddy Cue and Ben Silverman unveiled the first trailer for Apple’s “television” series, Planet of the Apps.

And, as expected, it… doesn’t look so great. Take a look:

Recode has an in-depth explainer of what Planet of the Apps is supposed to be, so I’m not going to reiterate every aspect. Instead, I’m going to list out some issues I have with Planet of the Apps:

“Planet of the Apps” is a god-awful name

Seriously? “Planet of the Apps”? The best name you could come up with for a show to spread the story of developing for Apple’s platform is a parody of Planet of the Apes?

It’s a terrible name. Names are everything. Names are your first chance to make an impression. This name certainly makes an impression…

The “Escalator” Pitch

Recode:

Instead of an elevator pitch, developers and entrepreneurs make an “escalator pitch.” Yes, the pitch is made on an escalator.

Har-har. It’s an escalator pitch, not an elevator pitch – get it?

Calling the developer’s initial pitch an “escalator pitch” is as cringe worthy as “Planet of the Apps”. Having the pitch take place on an actual escalator is even stupider. Why? Why does the pitch take place on an escalator, other than to justify the term “escalator pitch”?

What do these celebrities have to do with app development?

I get that Jessica Alba, Will.i.am, Gwyneth Paltrow and company have money and some sort of marketing sense. But I do not understand what makes them the choices for judging the likelihood of an application’s success or feasibility. Shouldn’t the people making these calls have some sort of credibility when it comes to software development?

From the trailer, it seems like the developers initially have to gain some sort of partnership/mentorship with a celebrity, who will then accompany them to another pitch to… actual investors?

It’s so confusing and gimmicky. It feels like a parody of Shark Tank, except there’s two rounds of pitches! And celebrities! And don’t forget about the escalator!

“Apple Music” seems like a great place for original video content, what could possibly be confusing about that?

See above.

Kidding aside, I totally get why it’s an Apple Music exclusive: Apple Music is their subscription media service. Apple Music is a known brand. While Apple could certainly roll out a subscription video service, I don’t think it makes much sense, given the small amount of content that would be available on it.

Plus, what would they call a theoretical video service? Apple TV is obviously out. I suppose “Apple Movies” or “Apple Video” could work. I feel like bundling TV programming under the “Apple Music” brand is Apple setting themselves up for another “iTunes” brand, though.

Dawn of the Rise of the War for the Planet of the Apps

So Planet of the Apps is going to be a thing. I’ll certainly give it a shot when it airs(?) later this year, but as of right now, my expectations are very, very low.